Have I mentioned that I'm totally terrified of life without Stephanie? Well, I am, and now I've said it out loud. She handled most of the "adulting," and while we made big decisions together, she definitely did the heavy thinking — whatever we were doing, Steph spent serious time planning it, and then I spent ten or fifteen minutes looking over her plans. In short, she was the grown-up, much more than me.
Life without her is a lot less enjoyable than life with her, and sometimes I slip into a funk for a few days. That's where I've been for the past week or so, just lingering in a cloud of sadness. Things are also extra hectic right now, as I'm getting ready for a trip to Seattle, where I grew up, to see family and old friends. It's a trip we couldn't possibly have made while Stephanie was alive; the realities of dialysis make long-distance traveling close to impossible unless you're rich.
Since I never thought she'd die before me, I also never thought I'd be going back to Seattle, but — here I go. And without Steph to plan the details, I've had to do all the thinking and buying and reservations myself, so it's a foregone conclusion that I've screwed up somewhere along the way. Sigh.
I'm out of gumption, which is why you've seen fewer entries here. And there will be no entries while I'm gone, as I'm not bringing the laptop or the internet with me to Seattle. I'll be back in the second week of July, though, so don't give up on me or the website. There's much, much more to come. Every day with Stephanie was a good day, a happy memory I want to relive at length, and I have barely begun to tell Stephanie's stories.